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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
twitter is a journey