@DevilryFun: I'm not scared I'll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I'm scared someone will record it on their phone and I'll end up on a GIF.
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@GrowlyGrego: "Bear with me for a minute." - Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
@causticbob: A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
@thenatewolf: *stuck in elevator with beautiful woman* I know it's only been 10 minutes but I'm gonna take a poop ok?
@jonnysun: [ouija board] "helo??" ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ… "shh its working" ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ… "omg" ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ… "dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!"