I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
You Might Also Like
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
*serious situation*
My brain:
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.