I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
You Might Also Like
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet