I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
You Might Also Like
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
New favorite tiktok
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Ooops wrong house😂😜
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Sending in my taxes
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.