I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
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Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.