(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Has there ever been a more American story?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.