A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.