Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Bill is short for Billiam
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.