@skin_and_i: I'm not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724
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@blondecalamity: Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!
@FuckabillyRex: If you wear it all the time, you'll never know if she's in love with you, or your denim vest, and the chances are it's the vest.
@OwensDamien: My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I'm bad at following orders, I'm emotionally dead, and she'd like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
@jeff_ratfamily: A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. I need a place to stay