“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
beware of dog
(jukin media)
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—