Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Noah was an idiot.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Sorry I made promises on Friday
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”