me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
spot the difference
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.