I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not