I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
From Facebook just now…
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born