I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
My life in a nutshell
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.