My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
You Might Also Like
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”