Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
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Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass