I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
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Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.