I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms