“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
You Might Also Like
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.