I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ