I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
me and my fake scenarios
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Plant care tips
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.