I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
the last thing a carrot sees
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?