“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR