I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
You Might Also Like
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.