THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*