Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
#CatsOnTwitter
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.