I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.