Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.