Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Probably my best painting.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures