I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!