[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.