I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
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My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.