I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
You Might Also Like
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen