I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
S M O L
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer