I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
so i’m at the stock market right
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Stop sending me this shit.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Bringing home a sharpie
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please