I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
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Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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2.
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5.awesome
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White