I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Wake me when AI does housework
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David