[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.