I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Why is no one talking about this?!
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you