My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.