@celebrityhottub: I'm on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it's taking all my strength to not scream "WE FORGOT KEVIN!"
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@jasonmustian: "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
@Kimpulses: You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
@WickedCynic: Autocorrect changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.