me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Found my door mat
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
This bar smells like my childhood.