@celebrityhottub: I'm on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it's taking all my strength to not scream "WE FORGOT KEVIN!"
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@blade_funner: [my first day as a 911 operator] *eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
@Underchilde: I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don’t need that kind of incentive to visit again.
@DannyDyer5: It always amuses me when I see tweets from people clearly using words they don't understand, thus making themselves look aerodynamic.