Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you