@danjan13: I'm on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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@HysteriaBarbie: My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
@JoParkerBear: How To Avoid Dating ●You're too young for me. ●I'm too young for you. ●I don't date men my age. ●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
@theshamingofjay: [interview for doctor's office receptionist] "Can you schedule appointments and be friendly" Yes. "Sorry we're looking for the opposite"
@ElgatoEsmio: [An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor] “Get out of here, NOW!" “Why?” “HAVEN'T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”