I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
According to math, I’m broke
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
😜
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom