“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*