@CulturedRuffian: "I'm on my way." -People who haven't even left the house yet.
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@mrtruthandsoul: I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: Pull my finger. Doctor: Ok. [finger detaches] Me: AAAAHHHHH! Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!! ME: haha j/k that's actually why I came in.
@Chumpstring: [standoff] NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
@Sassafrantz: [male bank teller gives my niece a sucker] Me: What do you say? Niece: My aunt's single, do you have money? Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?