“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
monday
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
The photographer’s assistant
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.