[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.