@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
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@Elizasoul80: Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: "long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."
@UncleDuke1969: "You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her." "We're still married, Grandma." "She's such a lovely girl."
@DanMentos: “Hello, Pizza Hut” Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza? “eight” And a medium? “eight” *long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager