@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
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@Playing_Dad: [Divorce court] Judge: The reason you're divorcing is "he's annoying?" Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike" J: Baliff, throw him in jail
@ericas_twit: Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What's the 25cents for?
@lecalabara: "I love Justin Bieber" well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
@VinnyPisciotta1: Good is the enemy of great. Sponge is the enemy of math. Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.