@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
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@lazerdoov: Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything! Friend: cool Me: yeah even blood Friend: um I gotta go Me: lol no you're staying
@AnOrangeSNES: [Commercial for narrators] Narrator: Don't you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
@carlyken: Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you're not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh- *quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
@HehBuddy: I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.