I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”