@Jennarater: I'm only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers
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@daemonic3: Hello 911? "What's your emergency?" You work in a building? "Yes" Inside? "Yes WHAT'S YOUR EM-" So you're saying 911's an inside job?!
@briancthayer: Dear microwave companies, Why make us select "cook" at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something? Sincerely, Everyone
@Reverend_Scott: [blind date] (don't let her know ur a dog walker) "So what do u do?" Well, I'm like a- [13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]