god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
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Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.