I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.