@Manda_like_wine: I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels.
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@KeetPotato: [me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party] me: "how did we both fit in this lmao"
@SortaBad: If you don't want to be there today, just say "I'm just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding"
@daemonic3: WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria's Secret] OMG ME: It's not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale WIFE: Oh thank God