@Manda_like_wine: I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels.
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@PaulyPeligroso: Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with "mad cash" on your face?
@: The doctor says I'm depressed because I don't have enough iron in my diet so I've started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.
@joejwest: ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
@Tommytoughstuff: [Talking to a giant banana] "Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"