I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.