I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Yes my dude
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
This is so me 😂😂
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.