@nowarranty: I'm only two people away from having a love triangle.
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@MasterSociopath: I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
@NakedHangover: Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
@ComedicBust: [First Date] Me: Wanna check out the local garden? Her: That sounds amazing. [arriving at Olive Garden] Me: Damn, it's busier than usual